


love your hidden sorrows

by teddygirl105



Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Gen, Growing Up, Growing Up Too Fast, inspired by Seventeen's Kidult, mention of mixnine, suppressed emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:14:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26283253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teddygirl105/pseuds/teddygirl105
Summary: Yuto forces himself to grow up, to mature into an adult in order to survive the cruel world he lives on. He pushes away the kid deep inside his heart and refuses to listen to it.The me, who is like a young kid, is right here, but where have I hid?
Comments: 3
Kudos: 37





	love your hidden sorrows

**Author's Note:**

> i've been playing kidult on repeat for like the past few days for no reason and after reading the lyrics over and over again this fic came to be

Yuto prided in being mature.

He was kept together when he became a teen, he knew how to talk to adults and he knew how to keep quiet when needed. Yuto was aware that if he wanted to pursue dance, then he'd have to grow up to take the chances that appeared.

Yuto didn't have quite the normal childhood. He played around with other kids, sure, but so much of his time was spent in dance. He couldn't think of a life if he didn't pursue such a thing. It was in his blood, in his soul. A Yuto without dance in his life would be the same as a braindead Yuto.

When he arrived in Korea for the first time to chase his dreams, surrounded by an unfamiliar culture and language, Yuto knew immediately that he needed to _grow up_ , and fast. While he wasn't exactly a child anymore, those his age weren't exactly teeming with maturity. And to be in front of so many strangers, those that looked at his nationality with scrutiny?

He needed to learn the language. The culture. He needed to _fit in._

It's then, after going from one company with others like him to another one all alone, that Yuto meets Hyojin. He meets Seungjun, Changyoon, Jaeyoung, Minkyun, so many people that will become his new family. He meets Minseok, someone the same age to become his friend.

He doesn't exactly know how to feel about it. They're nice enough, but it feels a little overwhelming. Yuto keeps himself quiet, listening to whatever they say and doing whatever they ask of him. He refuses to seem like a bratty kid who doesn't know his place.

"Yuto, why don't you smile more?" Changyoon asks him one day. Yuto looks at him, tilting his head in confusion.

"What do you mean, hyung?" he asks, his tone flat.

"I don't think I've really seen you… smile since you first came here." he answers. "You're just quiet."

He dwells on Changyoon's words for a bit before responding.

"I don't really see a reason, I guess. Training and working are my first priorities."

Yuto doesn't catch how Changyoon frowns at that, a pang of pity hitting his heart.

"You're still a teen, y'know? You still have time for fun."

Yuto's lips twist into a grimace. Fun?... When was the last time he had fun? When was the last time he wasn't covered in sweat, muscles aching and his joints beginning to burn? Or wracking his brain with grammar practices, learning new words, and trying to learn new formalities?

"I think I grew out of _fun_ a long time ago, hyung."

::

Yuto _hates_ crying.

He doesn't let himself cry often. Stopped having tantrums when he was five and stopped crying at the age of ten. There were times where he'd have a few tears slip here and there, but it was never the full wailing sobs of someone who's distressed.

During their debut showcase, when he gets a little teary eyed talking about his family and his dreams, he refuses to let more than a few tears go. He'll forgive himself just this once, seeing how hard he worked to get here. Those were tears that he deserved, damn it.

During Mixnine, on the other hand, he _loathes himself._ He acted so weak in front of a camera, and had to resort to his members as a crutch. How _utterly disgusting_ of him.

Yuto doesn't forget that moment. He lets it mull in his head for days and days on end, and when he and Minkyun get eliminated anyways, he doesn't forgive himself.

 _Weak._ That's what he is.

He doesn't let himself go after that. He practices harder and harder until he can't feel his legs and the rattle in his lungs is a telltale sign that he should stop unless he wants to faint.

Once everything passes, a few months go by and suddenly they're in L.A. He's watching the others play on the beach, he and Minseok sitting on a blanket on the sand.

"They're so playful today." Yuto muses quietly, and Minseok looks at him a little oddly.

"We're in L.A. and this is the small amount of free time we'll have. I'd say that they're justified to let the kid in them out." he answers. "And you, Yuto? Don't you want to join them?"

Yuto keeps his mouth shut. There's a small part of him that would like to join them, running around on the beach and risking getting their shoes wet. But he shakes his head, instead shuffling closer to Minseok to rest his head on his shoulder.

"I'd rather stay and watch. This is good enough for me." he murmurs.

Minseok can tell that's a lie, but he doesn't question it. Gently, he laces their hands together, squeezing tight.

"Alright."

From afar, he can hear Minkyun shriek at the water that licks at his heels, and how Hyojin and Jaeyoung laugh at him. He watches Seungjun draw something in the wet sand, only for it to be washed away. Yuto sees Changyoon try to converse with one of the seagulls.

He sees kids letting themselves free, throwing away what dignity they have as adults and as idols. Yuto sees confidence and pride.

Inside, there's a small bit of jealousy that wishes that he'd be brave enough to let his inner child back out.

::

"Hypothetically, what do you think would happen if one of us suddenly decided to leave?"

Yuto snaps to attention, looking at Minseok with a furrowed brow. They're sitting next to each other, taking a quick break from practice. "Hmm? What's with those thoughts?" he asks back, his mind beginning to race.

"Just a hypothetical." is all Minseok answers with. Yuto takes a drink of water, pausing to think.

"It depends, I guess? If the others were told about it and it was explained why, then I'm sure they'd let them go in the end. Knowing all of us, we'll try to convince them to stay, but at the end of the day, we'll value their happiness." he tries to explain, thinking on the spot and spewing it out. "Regardless, we'll be hit hard by it. There might be some members who'd blame themselves for it."

Their names go unsaid, but both of them know exactly who.

"Y'know," Minseok starts, bumping their shoulders together, "comparing you now to the you back then, you're a lot happier."

Yuto frowns at the sudden change of topic. "How so?"

He pulls at Yuto's cheeks, making a mockery of a smile on his face. "You smile more." he teases, quick to drop it as his face morphs into something more endearing. "You laugh more. Talk more. You're _with us_ more. If the Yuto of two years ago did this, then I'd wonder if you were sick."

Minseok looks away, eyes set on Hyojin and Seungjun clowning around in the practice room. "I'm glad you decided to open up to us a little more. You forced yourself to mature so quickly, but I'm happy that we're pulling your inner kid out. It's what you deserve."

It takes all of Yuto's willpower not to flinch at Minseok's words. He doesn't know if it's because they're the same age, or that they're the closest to each other. The fact that Minseok just _knew_ like that makes Yuto… afraid.

"Why?" he asks softly, watching how Minseok's gaze changes. "Why would this be something that I deserve?"

Minseok closes his eyes. He takes in a deep breath, exhaling slowly as he turns his head back towards Yuto.

"Because you deserve normalcy." he replies, "You should be allowed to live a normal life as a young adult, and not suppress yourself in order to maintain this image of being mature. Think about it. When was the last time you _truly cried?_ " Minseok waves at hand at the scene in front of them, Seungjun now on the floor as Hyojin lays on top of him, pinning him down.

"Everyone has a bit of kid in them, no matter how old they may be. The more you distance yourself from the inner child within you, the harder it'll be to reconnect with your youth. You and your inner child will always resemble each other. Rather than living disjointed, it's better to embrace them and live in harmony. At the end of the day, they are you, and you are them."

Minseok's gaze grows distant. "I believe in you, Yuto. I'm sure your inner child is sad that you haven't reached out to it. That hidden sadness within you? That's him crying. You need to love him too."

As deep and meaningful as his words are, Yuto can't help but sense something else from Minseok. Something regretful, foreboding and ominous in a way.

"If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for me? Seeing you happy will make me happy." he smiles, patting him on the shoulder before joining the others with a shout.

Yuto doesn't know what he should do.

::

Yuto is _livid._

He's never felt the urge to grab someone by the neck and just shake them over and over so strongly before. Minseok. Kim Minseok, that fucking _bastard_ , had the audacity to leave. Not a single peep from him, just a company announcement. He's royally pissed at the fact that none of them were given any warning about it, nor were they able to argue anything against it.

He's gone. Just like that.

As mad as he is at Minseok for leaving out of the blue and at the company for not saying a single word to them, there's a bubbling rage that's directed at himself. He saw the signs before anyone else. He should have been more suspicious when Minseok gave him that "hypothetical question" that day.

Yuto should have known. He did nothing about it.

All he can do is watch Seungjun post a heartbroken letter on their fancafe, none of the words even remotely able to properly showcase how they feel. He can only watch as Hyojin breaks down into tears, watch as Jaeyoung shuts down into nothing.

He watches his family crumble.

Yuto does his best to stay strong. He knows that none of his hyungs are in a state to act normal, and with a comeback drawing near, there's more pressure to get back to normal. He becomes their pillar, letting them lean on him and temporarily taking on the burdens of being a leader.

He doesn't let himself cry. Not just yet.

He waits until they recover. Until all of their tears have been shed and the regret and guilt have started to pass. It's only until then that Yuto starts to grieve.

"Yuto-ah." Hyojin whispers one day, at the end of a practice that they forced themselves into. Seungjun and Minkyun are monotonously cleaning the floor, while Jaeyoung and Changyoon clean the mirrors. "How are you holding up?"

It's an innocent question, but it makes the cogs in his brain begin to whirr. He could say that he was fine, keep up the appearance that he's been holding for weeks now.

But then he thinks back to what Minseok said to him so long ago, to the naive Yuto that knew nothing of what would occur in the future.

**_When was the last time you truly cried?_ **

**_That hidden sadness within you? That's him crying. You need to love him too._ **

Yuto slowly reaches out within him. He looks at himself, the child in his soul that has tears streaked on his cheeks and scraped knees, and he takes his hand. He takes the child into his arms and holds him tight. He feels the wave of emotions that follows it, both of joy and hurt.

Before he knows it, there are tears falling down Yuto's face as a choked sob escapes his lips. He crouches down, and with his hands over his mouth, he cries. Yuto lets out all of those ugly sobs that he wouldn't have dared to let out before, all the tears that he never let himself cry.

Hyojin rushes to Yuto and brings him in his arms, holding him tightly. He lets him cry into his shoulder, feels him gripping at the back of Hyojin's shirt and refusing to let go.

"Shh, let it all out." Hyojin coaxes, threading his hands through Yuto's hair. "It must have been hard, huh? You're alright now, Yuto-ah. You don't have to act strong for us anymore." he whispers.

The others quickly come over as well, a little confused but still comforting all the same. They all mutter a few words, rubbing his back or squeezing his arm in support.

"It's all my fault." Yuto whispers, making them freeze up.

"Hey now, what's with that?" Seungjun questions, his brows knit in worry. "None of us could have predicted such a thing. It was out of our power-"

"No." he growls. Yuto pushes away from Hyojin abruptly, making the eldest fall on his butt. "No, you don't understand!" He heaves in a few breaths before continuing. "He asked me what would happen if one of us suddenly decided to leave. He told me it was supposed to be hypothetical. Then he started spewing so much _bullshit_ about my happiness and how I made myself grow up too fast to cover up his tracks and I was naive enough to believe it!" he roars.

Another sob slips from his lips, and the sudden rush of adrenaline disappears, leaving him drained. "He looked too regretful for it to be just a hypothetical question. I could have done something to stop him. _And I didn't._ "

There's a moment of silence, the members watching as Yuto curls into a ball and burrows his head in his knees. "I didn't do _anything._ I let him walk away. He would still be here if I had done something." he whimpers, hands trembling as tremors run through his body.

Minkyun is the first to move, scooching over to sit next to Yuto and slinging an arm around his shoulders. "Hey. You didn't know at the time. We can't expect you to do something when you weren't even aware of it to begin with." he murmurs.

"But I noticed _something._ I could have at least asked about it."

"Even if you asked, I don't think Minseok would have told you anything." Jaeyoung adds. "He's the type of person to keep things in. We all know that."

Yuto lets out hiccuping breaths, wiping his tears and sniffling. Before he can open his mouth to speak again, Changyoon cuts in.

"Yuto, you can't keep blaming yourself for this. Yes, you saw some signs and yes, you could have done something, but at the end of the day, it was still Minseok's decision. That hard headed boy wouldn't have changed his mind unless we forced him to. And you know we'd value his happiness over us."

Yuto lets out a small huff, the corners of his lips curling up. "That's what I told him." he dryly responds. "And yet it still hurts the same. We preach that we value his happiness over staying as a team, but deep inside we want him to stay. How selfish of us."

Seungjun narrows his eyes at him. "Yuto." he warns. He can tell that the youngest is delving into the territory of saying things he'll regret because of the heat of the moment.

"You keep on saying that it wasn't my fault, that I couldn't do anything about it." Yuto starts, ignoring the tone of Seungjun's voice. "But guilt is hard, hyung. Yes, there was nothing I could do, and I know that. Maybe that's the problem." His voice tapers off into a whisper, eyes downcast to the floor.

Yuto licks his chapped lips, taking one last swipe at his cheeks before shuffling closer to Minkyun, hiding his face in the crook of his neck. He feels safe next to him, the body heat helping to quell the last remnants of his anger and frustration.

"I'm so tired." is all he mumbles out, closing his eyes as he evens out his breathing.

The others stare. Sure, Yuto's small, but he's never looked so _fragile_ before. Pressed up against Minkyun's side, he seems like a little boy, swept away in a sea of adults and unable to find his place.

It lingers in the back of their minds. How Yuto had said that Minseok talked about "growing up too fast." So caught up in his guilty spiel, they never noticed it at first. But now? Those words stick out like a sore thumb.

They had always thought that he was just a little quiet and well kept. Now they realize that he was just a little boy in a suit that swallowed his form, and always had been.

Minkyun threads his fingers through Yuto's hair, looking down to see that the youngest's breathing has mellowed out into soft breaths. "I think he's asleep." he whispers.

"Y'know," Changyoon suddenly starts, shifting the attention towards him, "a long time ago, I asked him why he didn't smile, why he didn't let himself have fun." His mouth twists into a frown. "He said he was too busy training and working. He said he _grew out of fun a long time ago._ He was 17, god damn it! What kind of 17 year old says that they no longer have fun?" he hisses, looking tormented.

"Suppression is dangerous." Hyojin mutters. "You suppress and suppress, and before you know it, you're empty." His eyes wander back to Yuto's form, and he takes in a deep breath. "He was close. So, so close. And that's _terrifying_ to know."

"Then we help." Jaeyoung interrupts. "We help bring him back, because there's no way in hell we're going to have another Minseok incident. We're going to help him to _live._ "

A determined look sets in their eyes, and they all collectively nod.

::

Yuto dives in and out of consciousness.

He vaguely remembers being lifted onto someone's back. A soft, deep voice that coaxes him out of his sleep enough to change into pyjamas as they gently wipe his face with a warm cloth, before depositing him into his bed to fall asleep.

When he finally wakes up, his throat feels like it's been rubbed raw with sandpaper and his mouth like something died in it. With a soft groan, he rubs his face in his pillow, lying there for a few moments.

Once he's sure that he isn't going to fall back asleep, Yuto slowly sits up. His hand fumbles for his phone, to which someone graciously thought to plug in for him. It's only 6 am. There are no schedules for the day and practice is in the afternoon, so he's pretty sure that everyone's still asleep.

The events of last night sluggishly catch up to his mind, and Yuto sighs. Nothing he can do now, really.

He pads out of their room, careful not to wake Jaeyoung or Seungjun, and heads to wash his mouth out. Once he feels less like death and more like a human, Yuto goes to the kitchen for a glass of water. Surprisingly, it's at this time that Hyojin steps out of his room as well, sending a smile his way when they meet eyes.

"Good morning." Hyojin whispers, and Yuto manages a small greeting back, setting his empty glass aside. Hyojin disappears into the bathroom for a few moments before returning to sit on the couch. He waves Yuto over, and the youngest complies.

Yuto opts to rest his head on Hyojin's lap, sprawling over the length of the couch. He doesn't seem to mind, and Hyojin lets his hands wander to the strands of his hair.

"Did you get enough sleep? It's only been four hours." he murmurs, gently patting him. Yuto wrinkles his brow.

"I could say the same to you, hyung." he whispers back, fiddling with a loose string on Hyojin's pyjama pants.

Hyojin huffs. "I manage."

They sit together in silence, letting each other's presence fill the stagnant air. It's not surprising when Hyojin slowly begins to hum, a melody made on the spot. He hasn't stopped stroking Yuto's hair.

With the calm, repetitive motion and the gentleness of Hyojin's voice, Yuto finds himself drifting off yet again. The door to the veranda is cracked open, allowing a cool breeze to flow in and the noises of their neighbourhood waking up to trickle through. It'd be a crime to not fall asleep.

It's only two hours later that Jaeyoung wakes up and finds the two still on the couch, Yuto fast asleep and Hyojin with his head lolled to the side, hand still atop his head. (He takes a few pictures for blackmail, because why wouldn't he?)

Hours turn to days, which turn into weeks. They're caught in a flurry of schedules, the amount of sleep they get growing thin. It gets a little harder to stay positive when they're so busy, but they manage.

Well, Yuto, for the most part, manages.

He smiles. He laughs. He does his best to interact with them and poke some fun. He jokes around and he acts like a kid. They've never seen him this… happy before. Not only that, but he knows their boundaries and is quick to step back if there's a spike in irritation.

The others are surprised at first, but it turns into a belated happiness and warmth. Yuto's _letting go._ He's slowly breaking down the walls that he's built and foregoing the mask that he's made for himself. He no longer acts like the perfect adult he built himself to be.

As his groupmates and his family, they couldn't be happier. Their little boy finally acts like he's the youngest, sharing his sweet gummy smile all the time as they watch his cheeks flush pink.

"Our baby," is how they coo at him, ruffling his hair or pressing their foreheads together. Yuto lets out a small whine each time, but he lets them do as they please.

He feels more whole, in general. Not as disconnected as he once was to society and life. Yuto takes pride in it. From being able to grow and to heal and finally become someone that he's happy being.

There are days where he cries. There are days where he takes charge of the group to lead them through practice. Sometimes, there are days in which he suddenly feels so lost and unsure, and other days where Yuto feels like he's on top of the world. Despite those ups and downs, his members stick right next to him. Their words encourage him and their smiles give him power.

He can feel the distance between him and his inner child get closer and closer, until they're standing right next to each other, hand in hand.

"A kidult," Jaeyoung says one day, making Yuto look at him as if he has two heads. "Both a kid and an adult. Laugh like an adult, cry like a kid, or somethin' like that. That's who we all are."

Yuto snorts. "You're full of it." he retorts. A little part of him likes the sound of it, though. It perfectly sums up who he is, who his members are, and practically every other person in society.

He can't help but smile a little, and Jaeyoung points accusingly at him, yelling something about, "I told you it was good! You can't lie to me!" which in turn causes Yuto to burst out laughing.

Yeah. A kidult. That's who he is.

**Author's Note:**

> remember to be yourself, kids. sometimes ya just gotta throw away what dignity you have left and go, "fuck it, this is how i want to live." i preach this shit and i'm thriving atm, so i hope you can find what makes you live too. love y'all. ♥
> 
> [ twitter](https://twitter.com/teddygirl105)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/teddygirl05)


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